Freaked As Fuck

Date night’s hot, she’s spread on the bed
I’m droppin’ low, ‘bout to give some head.
Lights dim low, I’m feelin’ the groove
Then I see ‘em—white bumps in the cooze!
Little fuckers, pimpled and grim
My tongue slams brakes, I’m out on a limb!

Bumpy road blues, oh shit, oh no
White-dot jungle, I ain’t gonna go!
Pussy’s a minefield, I’m freaked as fuck
Gonna puke my guts, man, I’m outta luck!
Bumps in the night, I’m runnin’ away
Hell no, bitch, not today!

She’s moanin’ soft, “Baby, don’t tease,”
I’m starin’ at warts, yellin’, “Jesus, please!”
Look like cottage cheese, oozin’ and white
My boner’s dead, took off in fright.
“What’s wrong?” she whines, legs still wide
“Fuck them bumps!”—I damn near cried!

Bumpy road blues, oh shit, oh no
White-dot jungle, I ain’t gonna go!
Pussy’s a minefield, I’m freaked as fuck
Gonna puke my guts, man, I’m outta luck!
Bumps in the night, I’m runnin’ away
Hell no, bitch, not today!

Thought I’d munch, be a real good date
Now I’m seein’ bumps, it’s a twist of fate.
Crusty little bastards, starin’ me down
I’m dry-heavin’ hard, gonna leave this town.
“Call a doc!” I scream, grabbin’ my shoes
Ain’t no hero for this STD blues!

Bumpy road blues, oh shit, oh no
White-dot jungle, I ain’t gonna go!
Pussy’s a minefield, I’m freaked as fuck
Gonna puke my guts, man, I’m outta luck!
Bumps in the night, I’m runnin’ away
Hell no, bitch, not today!

So here’s my tale, a warning to you
Check the goods ‘fore you dive in the goo.
White bumps flash, I’m scarred for life
Dodged that trap, cut like a knife! Bumpy road blues, I’m done, I swear, Next date’s gettin’ a flashlight stare!